Stitches

Imagine if Judd Apatow met Stephen King in a pub in Ireland had one too many Guinness’s and decided right there and then to begin shooting a film casting the local school children , with the obvious result of an hilarious devilishly black comedy, then you’ve got a slight inkling of what you are in for in this movie.

WARNING do NOT watch if you are afraid of clowns, especially nasty old swearing ones.  This film was gruesome, with some of the best grisly bits done practically rather than with CGI, which makes a refreshing change but also makes even worse to watch. 

Expect to be hiding behind your hands one minute and be laughing, quite literally, out loud the next.

It was shown in 140 cinemas across the country simultaneously on Thursday night with a live Q&A with the director and Ross Noble shown afterwards, which was just as entertaining as the film.  It is not being shown at many cinemas now but is out on DVD in February.  If you like eyeballs on umbrellas, the phrase “ya bastard” and laughing then this deffo one you have to get on DVD.

Looper

Looper is…bizarre…is it a parody or a distorted tribute of many many films? The amalgamation is not so intriguing and attention grabbing but more confusing and baffling.  Watch out for nods to Die Hard, Kill Bill, Pulp Fiction and X-Men.  One is an extremely blatant “Yippee Ki-yay Mother F***ers”!  There are also some amazing nods to old martial art films where the only acting done between bouts is purely done with eye expressions.

The story itself is not hard to follow no matter what you are told, for a “time-travel” film it is quite spoon-fed but the actual point of it is what is hard to follow.  It's a film of two very different halves one of time travel and one about mutants.  Or may be it is a very drawn out advert for the booty frog? Every woman should have one! 

Perhaps am getting old but this film shouldn’t be a 15, it leads me to thinking that the only way a film is rated an 18 nowadays is if it actual has a fully excited full frontal of a man!  That was the only thing that was missing from this film… quite surprising as they managed to cram everything else in, whilst at the same time making it have a drawn out feel.  Although during the slower sections you have time to wonder about Joseph Gorden-Levitt and how much they managed to change him.  Your sat there thinking your not Tommy…bring back Tommy, but at the same time his nose is just so intriguing you cannot look at anything else.  Is it plasticine? Is it make up? Is it CGI?  Whatever it is it looks as out of place on his face as his blue eyes.  However if you don’t think of Tommy they’ve done an amazing job of making him a young Bruce Willis, with the obligatory montage in case you haven’t actually quite got that connection.

To be honest the second half is the best half, as the cutest most terrifying kid is the star, Cid, who definitely has a serious acting career ahead of him as he was amazing.

Anyway to sum this film up: lots of laughs and lots of what the f**ks!

Taken 2

So Taken 2...well it has the expected wooden dialogue to nicely ease you into the film, but luckily they get that over and done with pretty quick.  Then it all kicks off big time.  The fight scenes are awesome, but in my honest opinion were filmed dreadfully, if Guy Ritchie was only called in for a couple of them it would be epic.  The continuity was appalling, or if like me you really really don't want to pick fault with it....watch out for the amazing yellow cab who has incredible wolverineesque healing powers!! Can regenerate wing mirrors almost as quickly as Maggie Grace can put trousers on whilst running, literally blink of an eye and you'd miss it!

No point saying anymore just enjoy it for what it is. It's exactly what it says on the tin, Taken 2!! F**KING A! 

House at the end of the street

House at the end of the street....it's NOT a ghost story, but am not going to extrapolate on that.  Basically it's a story of 2 thirds and a third (doesn't have the same  ring to it as two halves does it?) the first portion is a massive slice of teenesque Beverley Hills 90210 crap.  Nevertheless it was  intriguing crap as you really want to know where it goes as in how can this possibly by classed as a film???!!! Me and my mate kept giving it another "10 minutes" before walking out, but that didn't actually happen till the credits rolled.

Perhaps Jennifer Lawrence has it in her contract that she needs to be in an appalling film, with the worst actors and even worse script so she stands out as a star, who knows.  However the sound dudes totally outshined her in this, perhaps they will be included in her contract next time.   For example, there are a couple of scenes where the screen goes completely black and the surround sound is utilised in such a way I literally jumped out of my seat and into the lap of my mate who was trying desperately to block her ears and cover her eyes at the same time.

Basically this film can be summed up in 7 words:

Nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing argh!